Dickhead D: Hammersmith & Fulham Council II


Dear Borough,

I refer to your most recent letter, poetically entitled “PCN HZ86156931: Entering and stopping in a box junction when prohibited”. You’ve always had such a way with words.

I mean, really Borough, what is all this nonsense? What happened to us? We used to be close. We had an understanding. I paid you extortionate amounts of council tax and you took away my garbage once a week and spent the rest of the money housing inadequate people in inadequate housing to live out inadequate lives (and love football). That was our understanding Borough. Things were amicable between us and we had trust.

But I find your most recent letter a little disturbing. You’ve put cameras all around the neighbourhood and have an operative called HFB103 observing me in real time? What? That sounds like the height of paranoia to me Borough. It’s sick. And furthermore, who’s paying for all this? Don’t you remember our conversation about how wasting other people’s money is naughty?

In your paranoid letter you accuse me of alleged contraventions and demand reparations in the form of a penalty charge. Really Borough? Truly? Not even a warning letter first? Not even a simple note to say, “Although I’ve become paranoid and irrational, operative HFB103 whom I hired to watch you saw you briefly stop on the lines of a box junction. Don’t do it again please :)”

See? A simple, polite note to say, “hey old chum, be a friend and stop stopping in box junctions” would have done it. But no, Borough. You came in all guns blazing, talking about video evidence, referring to statutes and threatening prosecution. I’d bet you’d even go so far as to have your stool pigeon HFB103 testify against me in a court of law. I have to say Borough, I’m very, very disappointed.

You then go on to ask if I have any ‘grounds for representation’. I assume this means whether there is any reason why I crossed into the box junction and temporarily stopped on those silly yellow lines your other operatives painted there. Yes there is Borough, yes there is. IT’S CALLED DRIVING. I misjudged the flow of the traffic because further up the road, more of your goons, who get paid way too much to do far too little, were digging up the road. That’s why I hesitated there Borough, that’s why.

According to the time stamps on your video evidence, my car was stopped on your silly yellow lines for 8 seconds at best. And you’d like me to pay £130.00 for this transgression would you Borough? I think not. In your own words, “The penalty exceeds the amount applicable in the circumstances of the case.” That’s my opinion Borough. That’s how I view the facts, because if you look at your own evidence carefully, you may have noticed that my car isn’t obstructing any traffic whatsoever and that the car next to me appears to have made the exact same mistake!

Although your kind offer of a reduced penalty charge is tempting - a mere £65 for hesitating on some lines and not obstructing traffic - I must decline. Instead, I urge you to ponder your actions Borough - the cameras, the stool pigeons, the threats. What has become of you? Is this what you wanted to be when, as a young Borough, you dreamed of the future and making this neighbourhood a better place? I don’t think it is now, is it Borough?

So how about it old chum. Let me off just this once. What do you say?

Yours with sincerity, love and consternation,

Pete Jonas