Dickhead A: Hammersmith & Fulham Council


Dear J Burke,

Thank you for replying to my representation regarding the fallacious CCTV Penalty Charge Notice (PCN).

I have carefully considered what you say and all the available evidence, and I have decided that you are a shameless, inhuman cog in a callous, out of control bureaucracy calling itself ‘the council’. The council is not ‘putting residents first’ as its motto sarcastically states. It can barely hide the fact that it is putting revenue raising first and residents last.

The PCN was issued because my vehicle stopped in a loading bay for 4 minutes - on a Saturday - whilst no other vehicles were attempting, or waiting to carry out any loading.

You claim that these bays are designated for loading, at all times, and are for the exclusive use of goods vehicles. Can you explain to me exactly how much loading and unloading is going on off Fulham Broadway at weekends? Is there a massive, cavernous depot underneath Fulham Broadway, necessitating vast amounts of loading space on the streets of Fulham? Perhaps this is where the council keeps all it’s extortionate Council Tax revenue and the frequent ‘deliveries’ are monies raised from spurious PCNs like this one.

You then add that illegal parking in loading bays makes life difficult for those 'entitled' to use them. What about the residents of the borough, the people that the council is apparently ‘putting first’? Let’s be honest here J Burke, these delivery people aren’t the fools paying £1,433 to have their rubbish picked up once a week and then being charged £99 for a parking permit on top of that - a parking permit which doesn’t even guarantee us a parking space.

Is the council really ‘putting residents first’, J Burke? Is it? Because when I look around the borough, I can't even begin to imagine what the council could possibly be spending £186 million a year on. As far I can see, the council seems to be spending our money on housing anti-social chavs, and employing an army of soulless parking wardens to squeeze the maximum amount of revenue from every resident in the borough.

You say that being a resident of the borough and/or a council tax payer does not grant me an exemption from observing the restrictions in operation. Maybe not J Burke, but bear in mind that working for the council and sending irritating letters trying to justify the paucity of your existence doesn’t grant you an exemption from hell. I must therefore issue you with a Kiss My Arse Notice (KMAN).

This Kiss My Arse Notice must be settled within 28 days of the date of service of this Notice of Rejection of Your Rejection of My Representation. You will not be given the opportunity to settle this KMAN at a reduced rate within those 28 days because you are simply not worthy.

How to Kiss My Arse

1. In Person - You can settle the KMAN in person by making an appointment at my residence. You have my address, as it where you send your infuriating letters and fines. Failure to turn up to any KMAN settlement appointment will result in a doubling of the KMAN, requiring you to kiss BOTH SIDES of my arse. My arse is open from 8:45am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, unlike the fictional delivery people you refer to, that require loading space in the borough 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

2. By Post - Please apply lipstick, kiss the enclosed photocopy of my arse and send it to my residence by first class post. If you would like to kiss my arse by cheque or postal order, please make it payable to 'Pete’s Arse', write your KMAN number on the back and apply lipstick as above. DO NOT SEND CASH TO MY ARSE BY POST.

3. By Credit Card - You can settle the KMAN with a credit card by making an appointment at my residence and swiping your credit card down the middle of my arse. MY ARSE DOES NOT ACCEPT AMERICAN EXPRESS.

DO NOT IGNORE THIS KISS MY ARSE NOTICE AND DO NOTHING. You have 28 days (beginning with the date of service of this Notice of Rejection of Your Rejection of My Representation) to either:
(i) Kiss my arse as detailed above, or;
(ii) Make an appeal to the Kiss My Arse Adjudicator.

Appealing to the Kiss My Arse Adjudicator

Because the council has acted frivolously, vexatiously, and wholly unreasonably in squandering a multi-million pound budget on useless services and for penalising the very people you're supposed to serve, you have no right of appeal. YOU MUST KISS MY ARSE OR BE CONDEMNED TO HELL.

Yours sincerely,

Pete Jonas