Dickhead D: Judy Chamberton

- “Comedy arbiter”

Dear Judy,

Firstly, thank you for generating such tremendous interest in my Edinburgh show. Audience numbers and reaction were great beforehand but the kind words in your review have taken both to a new level.

I am writing to you mainly out of concern for your mental welfare. Is everything okay? Life can seem very trying at times, especially if we're experiencing menopause and a mid-life career crisis simultaneously. But we mustn’t take this out on other people. No doubt it is difficult going from a position of relative power to booking some of the most unplayable and poorly attended venues in the country. Indeed, for someone who prides themselves so much on being an arbiter of comedy 'taste', your current full-time job must feel somewhat laughable and ironic.

But becoming unnecessarily personal and nasty does no one any favours Judy. We must stay focused and retain our integrity. Let's forget last year's Edinburgh Festival, where you only wrote one review, for your friend Y***** - at his request, and awarded him a glowing four-star review. Very few people, if any, noticed the wild inconsistency between your review and the multiple two-star reviews he received from both critics and punters alike. But hey, we all need friends in this business!

Let's put the bad career choices and Mugabe-like actions of last year behind us and focus on positive, happy things. I understand you're getting married soon? Nice bloke and all, but his renowned sex anecdotes make the content of my show seem like play school. How could you possibly find my pathetic tales of 'headbutting women in the vagina' entertaining when mere foreplay for you must entail someone putting on a Viking’s helmut and firing themselves out of a cannon at your anus? Indeed, my references to sex toys must seem trite compared to the power tools in your bedroom.

But don't let the situation get the better of you, Judy. Don't let your frustrations and problems spill out into the public domain into a cynical and ill-judged review that reads like a hate crime.

Perhaps now isn't the time to be drinking heavily and writing reviews. There are people out there that care about you. For your sake and theirs, you must find the strength to focus on what your life needs right now - anal shotgun suicide.

Pete Jonas