Dickhead B: Kevin Martin

- “Marketing Genius”

The Comedy Tree received feedback from someone called Kevin Martin about the emails sent to their mailing list. Kevin described the emails as “rude, obnoxious and simply not funny”. He then elaborated. “Whoever writes them needs to be replaced, honestly, it's disgusting and clearly not doing the marketing of your comedy evenings any justice whatsoever. You want more business, be more professional in your marketing.”

Below is Pete Jonas’ response to Kevin’s comments.

Dearest Kevin,

The Comedy Tree cannot thank you enough for your invaluable advice. Since receiving your email, we have been working non-stop to correct our bungled, and frankly embarrassing, marketing efforts of the past. We are flattered that you even took the time to write to us, given that you must be a highly paid and extremely busy, top marketing consultant.

Despite the dozens of compliments we've received about our emails, we are clearly deluded about finding innovative ways to send weekly listings to people interested in comedy. Had we continued in the folly of our ways, we may have even been arrested by the marketing police, an organisation in which you are clearly high up, if not the head honcho.

We have also studied your place of work to learn about cutting-edge marketing. You are no doubt the marketing genius behind the idea of using drab, lifeless retail presentation in an affluent area such as Kensington, to distinguish your business. No doubt the PC World in Kensington is reeling from your dominant retail presence.

The downside must be that, with all that customer foot traffic in and out of your store, your lino costs must be through the roof! We will shortly be redecorating The Comedy Tree in the same manner, just as soon as we receive our shipment of beige paint and ex-council furnishings.

We have filed you advice under 'T' for turd. Hopefully, you will receive the flushing you deserve and soon be floating amongst your own kind.

Kind regards,

Pete Jonas